C'mon everybody - do the KEVIN

Traditional pre-Christmas landscape.

THE FORMER PRIME MINISTER, MR. JOHN HOWARD
SPINS HIS COCOON BY MOONLIGHT IN AN OLD FIG TREE.

I am the great Leader ..

YOU'VE STOPPED LISTENING TO US ..

YOU'RE NOT HEARING US ..

YOU IGNORE OUR MESSAGE

YOU'VE LOST TOUCH

ELECTION DAY IS COMING SOON...

ASK DOCTOR BILL

Thsi election is important to me and I live in a marginal electorate, but I'm worried that when I go to vote, the ballot box will have no slot at the top to put my vote in. What are my options?

That's a tough one. I'm sure a person like you will think of something.

I can't reveal who I'm voting for but if my party wins the election, do you think it's OK if I run out into the street and fire my AK467 assault rifle into the sky? I'm only talking about a few rounds.

I'm not too sure about it but I must ask you to consider what you might do with your AK47 if your party doesn't win.

CAUTION ADVISED!!!

If Howard wins, I'm migrating to New Zealand. The problem is, that everyone I speak to intends to do the same thing and I'm worried that I might not get a seat on an aeroplane. Do you know of any ship that has been chartered for this purpose?

I don't know of any such ship but I know there's a kayak heading for New Zealand right now, have you considered a kayak?

We're having avictory celebration party at our house on election night but we're conscious of the fact that it could become a wake. Do you have any advice about what sort of music, food and drinks etc. are suitable for both situations?

I was hoping nobody would ask this question. I honestly don't know what to suggest because it's just a hell of a difficult problem. Perhaps I should simply say that a really wild and voluptuous belly dancer is always appropriate and is always great value.

The spring is coiled, the trap is set.
The creeping "me me me" disease;
And like an addict in a sweat
The rodent creepeth to the cheese.

(thanks to W. Wordsworth)

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills
When all at once I saw a croud,
Not a it like daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Politicians, if you please!

Not any likeness, I could say,
They bore to flowers tat welcome spring
Their clothes were blue and charcoal grey;
It was a most depressing thing;
So off I wandered through the hills
In search of golden daffodils.

In opening this debate I will say that this election comes down to the following simple fact which is...

...that this person here, my rival, is a Jerk, a liar, a crook, a nerd, a schmuck and a fat useless twirp.

I rest my cae. Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

AND NOW A REPLY

Well that's exactly what I was going to say about you so I'll finish bby saying that I hope your house burns down and you fall under a bus. Scumbag!

Two free cans of beer for every person who votes for me!

THREE CANS!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen and goodnight. May the best man win.

Three cans and a packet of potato chips

YOU'RE DEAD MEAT PAL...

The introduction to Australia of four fun ideas from Europe.

RABBIT

FOX

POLITICIAN

VOTERS

Children who will not leave home are becoming a big problem!

Sometimes they get into the ceiling and build nests and cannot be flushed out or dislodged.

They travelalong powerlines at night and visit nests of neighbouring children in the roofs of other houses...

Where they mate and fight and cause a terrible din. A nest of grandchildren in the roof is a particularly nasty situation and is certainly a major headache.

Life is offensive and refuses to apologise.

The rose bush - arch conservative with cruel thorns.

DEATH - the right-wing radical.

The heartless, dull bureaucracy of time.

The cat?
The cat is probably a monarchist!

The dog - a naked opportunist; a moral vacuum; an uneducated pleasure-driven philistine.

And the moon - so cold, so aloof, so full of itself.

Ironing board
Pasta maker
Shrine
Butterfly collection
Pipe organ
Flower press

"STICK BY YOUR MATES" - AN OLD AUSTRALIAN TRADITION

WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG?

YOU'VE CHANGED.

Exclusive interview with Trackie Daks, the Prime minister's famous tracksuit pants.

A Peaceful Evening Contemplation

ALL TRAVELLERS MUST VALIDATE THEIR TICKET AND TRAVEL FOR THE ENTIRE JOURNEY WITH AN EXPRESSION ON THEIR FACE LIKE THIS

I am much too gentle
To go to a gentleman's club;
A gentle sentimental man;
A temperamental gentleman -
To go to a gentleman's club.

I am much too naked
To stare at neked ladies;
The heartbreak is too much to take
The naked staring too much wearing -
To stare at naked ladies.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THAT WOMAN AGAIN...I CAN TELL.

DON'T WORRY...NO WOMAN COULD EVER REPLACE YOU MY DEAR.

YES. BUT I'M TALKING ABOUT THE ONE WHO COULD REPLACE YOU MY DEAR.

A year in a mental hospital in Province

The Tow Trucks of Tuscany

Parking Meters of the Loire Valley

The Angle Grinders of Alsace

Secrets from the Prison Kitchens of Normandy

Polystyrene Cups of the Greek Islands

Vote 1
The Me Too Party
"We Match Any Policy"

I'm so disgusted about what's happened to politics in Australia ...

Me too mate ... me too ...

Silly
Very Silly
Even Sillier
Sillier and Sillier
Sillier and Sillier and Sillier
Sillier than you thought possible ...
Unbelievably silly beyond words.
No more signs necessary.

You are your SIM card and your SIM card is you.
Left: Adam receives his SIM card from God
You mustn't just share your SIM card around with any Tom, Dick or Harry ... it's a woman's most precious gift to her husband on their wedding night.
I'm haunted by fears that my SIM card is getting up to mischief behind my back and running AMOK.
You have obviously repressed your anger and stored it in your SIM card ...

I wonder where my keys are...
I wonder why you can't keep them in a safe place.
I wonder if I should be living with this woman.
i wonder how I live with this man...
Here they are. It's a wonder I found them: they were in the fridge ... in the yoghurt.
YOU'RE AN ABSOULTE WONDER.
Sometimes I wonder ... I really do.

"PRIME MINISTER'S DREAMING"

We're sorry.
We apologise for having been here when the white people arrived. We regret all the offence, inconvenience and embarrassment this has caused you. We are deeply ashamed of ourselves.

Help me doctor. I've got a book inside me!

Most people have a book in them. Perhaps I can refer you to a publisher.

No! I don't want it published. I want it surgically removed, - or dissolved with herbs or something - maybe some sort of therapy. I WANT TO BE RID OF IT! PLEASE!

You see ashamed of your inner book?

Not at all. It's just that I don't want to become a... a...

...I don't want to become... a WRITER!

There, there - it's not so bad. We all have to become writers sooner or later. We must learn acceptance. We are born, we live and then, sadly, we must write.

It seems so unfair. Life is so cruel. I thought I could escape.

He woke up completely covered with gunk.

All around him, everything in the room was covered with gunk.

And outside too, the streets, the houses the entire city seemed to be covered with gunk!

People everywhere were somthered with it; gunk had worked its way into, onto EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

How tired, heavy and dull it made the world. Nothing sparkled anymore, nnothing moved freely.

What was it? What was this GUNK? What was it composed of, where did it come from and what was to be done about it?

Why were so many people PROMOTING it?

They were Australians.
He was a republican.
She was a monarchist.

They fell in love.
They got married.

They had two beautiful children;

One was an anarchist;
The other was a fascist.

The household operated as an anarchistic, fascist, republican monarchy.

At the end of the day they called they system "our joint" , or "our place", and sometimes "home, sweet home".

GLOBAL WARMING

IT IS TIME TO LEARN THE GREAT ART OF CHEERFUL SADNESS.

DOGS CAN SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE. DUCKS ALSO.

EMPATHISE WITH THEM. STARE INTO THEIR EYES. CHEERFUL SADNESS WILL BEGIN TO FLOW.

THIS IS MEDITATION
THIS IS YOGA
THIS IS PRAYER

CHECK YOUR REFLECTION IN A PUDDLE. YOU WILL SEE THE SWEET, HEARTBREAKING FOOLISHNESS IN YOUR EYES AND SMILE.

WHAT YOU TELL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL NOT MATTER SO MUCH; THEY WILL JUST STARE INTO YOUR EYES AND DREAM OF DUCKS AND DOGS. THIS WILL HELP A BIT...SURELY?

THE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM

THE MAGIC CURE

THE SYMBOL OF HOPE

THE PERFECT TECHNOLOGY

THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS

THE SCENE OF THE MIRACLE

Sorry day, sorry night,
Sorry afternoon
Sorry rain, sorry wind,
Sorry sorry moon.

Sorry me, sorry you
Sorry in the sun.
Sorry laugh, sorry cry,
Sorry every one.

(SORRY WE DON'T CASH CHEQUES)

TRADITIONAL CUISINE

There was a wife who clubber her man
With a Jamie Oliver frying pan.
He'd spent the night with some old flame
And crept in late - when down it came
And down he came onto the mat
His head protruding from his hat!

The Judge said, "Tell us if you can:
Why the Jamie Oliver pan -
With its base of layered metals
Made for frying tender petals...?"
"And transferring heat" she said
"From a woman's heart to an idiot's head!"

I WANT MY FUTURE SECURED!

A TINY THREAD OF COTTON FLOATS GENTLY DOWN FROM THE SKY...

...AND A VOICE SPEAKS...

THEN HOLD ON FIRMLY TO ONE END OF THIS LITTLE THREAD AND YOU WILL DISCOVER THAT IT'S ATTACHED VERY SECURELY TO THE FUTURE

ONE DAY GOLDILOCKS WENT FOR A WALK IN THE BEAUTIFUL FOREST.

SOON SHE CAME TO A HOUSE AND WENT INSIDE TO FIND THREE NEWSPAPERS ON A TABLE.

SHE TRIED THE FIRST NEWSPAPER BUT IT WAS TO SMALL.

SO SHE TRIED THE SECOND NEWSPAPER BUT IT WAS TOO BIG.

THEN SHE TRIED THE THIRD NEWSPAPER AND IT WAS JUST RIGHT.

SO SHE READ IT AND BECAME SO DISTURBED THAT WHEN SHE WALKED BACK HOME, SHE COULDN'T RELATE TO THE FOREST ANY MORE.

Hey, it's true...
Your dad really rocks!

GALLIPOLLI COCKY (A SULPHUR-CRESTED COCKATOO MAY LIVE FOR MORE THAN A HUNDRED YEARS)

As a fledgling she was rescued from her broken nest and taken in by soldiers who were training by the Goulburn River.

As a mascot she was smuggled to Gallipoli, where in the trenches she learned to swear and raise her crest in the darkest, most miserable moments.

She reminded the boys of home: of freedom, innocence and the great spirit. She witnessed the misery of war and great suffering and courage in the face on an impossible situation.

She was taken back to Australia and lived in many homes with many keepers. The years passed and she stared brightly and deeply through the bars of her cage and through the meanness and madness of human society.

She saw the world grow faster and louder and harder. She would raise her crest and swear and try to remind them of home and freedom and the great spirit but people were too busy and faithless to understand the wisdom of an old cockatoo.

By the 1990's she found herself caged as a novelty outside a pet shop in a busy suburban shopping centre where shoppers mocked her wretched condition as they struggled for bargains and parking spaces.

Then a young boy named Ted began to visit her. His eyes sparkled with the great spirit and she raised her crest to him. One afternoon he arrived with wire cutters and quickly set to work on her prison.

She clambered to freedom and rose into the evening sky, and as she set her course for the old river she looked down to see the small boy being led away to face a very difficult situation.

THE GREAT ORATOR SPEAKS TO THE MASSES...

...WELL...THE VIRTUAL GREAT ORATOR,
THE VIRTUAL MASSES.

HOW TO PAY YOUR WAY AND STAND ON YOUR OWN FEET

God's grace, nature's blessings, free music from the birds - these mollycoddling handouts make us SOFT and UNCOMPETITIVE. It's time to get real and become A SELF-MADE WINNER!

First you must create your own AIR and WATER; So you will need a large, reliable chemistry set and some strong STORAGE VESSELS.

Then you must provide your own SUNLIGHT and SOIL; and for this you will need HUGE QUANTITIES of various inflammable gases and a box of matches plus a secure LAVA supply and machinery for crushing and GRINDING.

Then it's just a matter of putting in the HOURS and the HARD WORK and watching the whole thing multiply.

And until you have done all of this; and you have spurned all those subsidies from heaven: the moonlight, the flowers, the sunrise etc. (which weakenn us so), and until you have made it entirely ON YOUR OWN...

...YOU are not real.

The pie of life
Is hurled into your face
Every day,
But that is no disgrace.

A life worth living
Gets splattered on your shirt-
And though you're shocked
And rather deeply hurt;
These pies of life
Which fly out of the blue:
You're made for them
And they were made for you.

Do not dumb me,
Do not dumb me,
Do not dumb me down;
Dumb me upwards,
upwards to
The bigger end of town.

Dumb me upwards,
Dumb me upwards,
Dumb me to the sky.
The greatest dumbness
in the world
Is where the big men fly.

Albert's a dual fuel person. He's a petrol head during the Grand Prix and an air head for the rest of the year.

THIS WEEK'S TOP TEN BEST SELLING NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, PERIODICALS, JOURNALS

Braying Twit
Crude Lunge
Fatuous Claptrap incorporating "Smartalec Drivel"
Inane Fop monthly
Shallow Guff monthly
Loudmouth Perspectives
Prattling Dingbat
Pushy Twaddle Weekly
Screeching Ninny Bulletin
The Daily Idiot

He was just one simple man...

...with two crazy psychiatrists...

...three strange houses...

...four disastrous marriages...

...five cluttered email accounts...

...six sensitive burglar alarms...

...seven sworn enemies...

...eight scratchy credit cards...

...nine mysterious allergies...

...and ten little statues of Buddha.

"Kevin Rudd is full of himself" - John Howard

Kevin Rudd is all full of himself:
A Kevin shaped bottle right there on the shelf.
Pull out the cork at a quarter to seven
And fill up your glasses with absolute Kevin

John Winston Howard is full up as well
But what's in the bottle we really can't tell
Don't pull out the cork 'cause you wouldn't be able
You'll have to believe what it says on the label.

Kylie's shoes go by, go by:
Kylie's shoes of gold and lust;
No-one hears my feeble whimper;
I am but a piece of dust.

Politics go by, go by:
Politics of gold and lust;
No-one hears my feeble whimper;
I am but a piece of dust.

THE ONE MINUTE SHOWER.

WARNING - ELECTRIC SHOCK IF SHOWER EXCEEDS ONE MINUTE

The Flags of Old Bob

THE KINGDOM OF BREAKFAST.

THE REPUBLIC OF SHED.

THE STATE OF DISREPAIR.

WOOP WOOP.

THE UNITED STATES OF HELL.

LA-LA LAND.

DINKUM AUSSIE AUSTRALIA DAY DIARY

8 A.M.
WOKE UP WITH AN AUSSIE FLAG IN MY BED AND MADE LOVE TO IT. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCE.

9 A.M.
GOT UP AND ATE TWO AUSSIE FLAGS FOR BREAKFAST. BEAUTIFUL!

10 A.M.
RAISED AN AUSSIE FLAG ON FLAGPOLE AND WEPT UNCONTROLLABLY.
I'M IN LOVE.

11 A.M. SAT ON THE COUCH WITH ANOTHER AUSSIE FLAG. COMMUNICATING TOGETHER IN SILENCE. AWESOME.

1 P.M.
LUNCH. ATE ANOTHER THREE AUSSIE FLAGS. BIG ONES. I LOVE THAT FLAG!

2.30 P.M. AFTERNOON NAP. I DREAMED I WAS AN AUSSIE FLAG AND I MET THIS OTHER AUSSIE FLAG AND WE FELL INLOVE AND DID AMAZING THINGS. WHAT A HORNY DREAM. WHAT A GREAT DAY.

WHY ARE WE HERE?

WE ARE HERE FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

TO EAT UP THE PLANET.

TO HEAT UP THE PLANET.

TO BEAT UP THE PLANET.

TO BE ATTRACTIVE.

TO FEEL TERRIBLY SAD AND WEEP ALONE AT UNEXPECTED MOMENTS

...MORE AS IT COMES TO HAND

I'm so BORED with KILLING IRAQIS...

ME TOO. I wanted to be a hero on the front pages but nobody cares.

YOU GUYS SHOULD TAKE SOME EXTASY. iT WILL ALL SEEM REALLY BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY...