VARIOUS AUSTRALIAS

CAPTAIN COOK'S AUSTRALIA

BAZ LUHRMANN'S AUSTRALIA

GERMAINE GREER'S AUSTRALIA

KEVIN RUDD'S AUSTRALIA

JOHN HOWARD'S AUSTRALIA

AN OLD FAVOURITE

Hello Bert
Lovely day
not too windy
nice bit of sun...

All very well Fred but isn't there something more important to talk about than the weather...?

Like what?

...well something interesting like...for instance...

YES YES...

...LIKE CLIMATE...AND CLIMATE CHANGE.

PLASTIC RUBBISH

CHEAP JUNK

USELESS CRAP

I can't believe it...all my Christmas shopping problems solved in one hit.

WISDOM FOR THE DAY

"GENTLEMEN MAKE PASSES AT WOMEN WHO WEAR NATIVE GRASSES."

What'll it be matey?

Not sure. I dunno whether I want to get a glass of something on ice or whether I want to get on ice and glass someone...

Great Moments from the making of the Great Movie
'AUSTRALIA'
The Kissing Scene (Nicole and Hugh)

This guy should have luscious lips but they feel a bit rigid and thin...and in need of some moisturiser

CUT! O.K. Guys
We'll do that again.
Nicole, try and kiss Hugh on the lips this time...not on his hat brim.
And Hug, tilt your hat back a bit mate, it'll make it less confusing...

The part of the mind that once held poems is now used for storing passwords.

The part of the mind that once remembered songs is now used for storing PIN numbers

The part of the mind that once helped us to hold each other is now used for processing media content.

The part of the mind that once had no apparent function: it's still as mysterious as ever. It's our greatest hope.

I remember when the only job a black man could get in America was cleaning up the mess that white folks made...

I guess some things don't ever change...

PRESIDENT OBAMA
HISTORY MADE

AND NOW FOR A LITTLE PAUSE:

NOTHING'S WORKS...

THE CLIMATE'S NOT WORKING, THE RIVER'S NOT WORKING...

THE FINANCIAL SYSTEM'S NOT WORKING, THE WARS AREN'T WORKING...

WELL THE CUCKOO CLOCK STILL WORKS!

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT, IT WORKS...THE GOOD OLD CUCKOO CLOCK WORKS. HOW BEAUTIFUL!

EVERYONE MOCKED THAT LITTLE CLOCK. THEY SAID IT WAS KITSCH

BUT HOW SWEET IT IS. HOW WISE AND WONDERFUL AND GOOD...THAT DEAR LITTLE BIRD...IT WORKS

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF WOMEN'S HANDBAGS

There is much to be considered regarding the symbolism and meaning of women's handbags.

Some say that a handbag speaks volumes about a woman's love-life and associated "issues".

And indeed, hours of fun and pleasure can be had observing and interpreting handbags with this theory in mind.

But perhaps handbags represent another existence: a life dreamed of but not achieved in reality:

...a well-made, beautiful life with secure buckles, zippers and many snug compartments to fill with amazing things: A life you can get a handle on.

Another theory: the more exotic and dazzling a woman's handbag - the more boring her partner. Too many handbags means trouble.

EPIPHANY

What are you doing?

I'm watching to see if the sky is going to fall.

What happened?

My chair collapsed.

VICTORY

Is it possible to "win" anything anymore?
To actually have a victory? I'm not so sure
To seek an advantage over one's fellow souls?
The concept, I suspect, is extremely full of holes.

To trounce one's fellow creatures and be somehow supreme
It sounds rather like a troubled, angry dream.
To take the gold having kicked some losers arse
And to leave them with waste paper and plastic and broken glass

A victory? What in heaven's name is that!
What do you do with it? Wear it like an ostentatious hat?
And if this so-called "victory" is such a fine achievement;
How come it's so often followed by a lifetime of bereavement?

Surely there's another, better way of doing well
Without the hope of heaven or the threat of hell.

THINGS THAT MATTER TO THE SILENT MAJORITY

Being silent.

Being in the majority.

Feeling virtuous about being silent.

Feeling virtuous about being in the majority.

PERSONAL, SOCIAL AND DOMESTIC VULCANOLOGY - POSSIBLE FORTHCOMING ERUPTIONS

The head.

The heart.

The hands.

The home.

The car.

The television.

The people.

...but not the dog. Never the dog.

WHY ARE WE HERE?

WE ARE HERE FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS:

TO EAT UP THE PLANET.

TO HEAT UP THE PLANET.

TO BEAT UP THE PLANET.

TO BE ATTRACTIVE.

TO FEEL TERRIBLY SAD AND TO WEEP AT UNEXPECTED MOMENTS.

...MORE AS IT COMES TO HAND.

I must go down to the sea again
Before it rises up to me;
Before the ice caps start to melt
And spoil the loungeroom underfelt;
Oh dearie, dearie me;
I must go down to the sea.

Dad! You just did a greenhouse gas. I heard it.

It was the dog.

THE HALL OF FAME

FAME RESEARCH CLINIC AND REHABILITATION CENTER

THE AUSTRALIAN GREETING "HOW ARE YOU GOING, MATE?" ORIGINATED IN SYDNEY AMONGST MALE CONVICTS OF THE FIRST FLEET. IT WAS NOT A GREETING IN ITS ORIGINAL FORM, BUT A QUERY RELATING TO THE SHORTAGE OF "AVAILABLE" WOMEN.

How are you going to mate?

Damned if I know. How are YOU going to mate? Perhaps we can improvise.

THROUGH WEARINESS AND INDIFFERENCE THE "TO" WAS SOON DROPPED AND THE QUERY BECAME A COMMON UTTERANCE OF GRIM RESIGNATION: "HOW ARE YOU GOING, MATE?" - A TIRED, MINDLESS RITUAL ACKNOWLEDGING A SHARED BURDEN OF FRUSTRATION AND MISERY.

The second most frequently asked question in the colony related to the anticipation of death.

How are you going?

I've given up hope of going peacefully in my sleep so I might throw myself off a cliff. How are YOU going?

THESE FRANK AND DISTURBING QUESTIONS PASSED INTO POPULAR LANGUAGE DISGUISED AS BANAL GREETINGS. TO THIS DAY AN UNDERLYING, FORLORN RESONANCE EVOKING DEATH AND LONELINESS IS USUALLY PRESENT IN THE VOICING OF THESE GREETINGS - IN SPITE OF GLIB DELIVERY.

"OWYAGOIN MATE"
"OWYAGOIN"

Currently there appears to be a revival of the questions in their original forms and with their original meanings.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MATE?

I'D RATHER TALK ABOUT HOW I'M GOING BECAUSE I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT A LOT LATELY.

You see these appalling same-socks couples, getting about in the shopping mall;

He's got green socks,
She's got green socks.
OH YUK!

The next day, in the coffee shop - there they are again: the same-socks couple; grinning like hyenas!

This time they're both wearing RED socks. It's so depressing.

There they are - as large as life; making a complete mockery of couples who wear different socks.
SO FLAGRANT, SO CAREFREE, AND SO DEEPLY INFURIATING.

AND GUESS WHAT?!! THE GOVERNMENT COULDN'T GIVE A DAMN. IT'S A DISASTER!

SOUVENIRS OF THE POPE

SOUVENIRS OF GOD

Isn't it awesome to see the heterosexual Anglican Archbishop of Sydney on his way to work...

The world has got economic jitters.

You can feel it; shaking, rattling, vibrating.

Things are wobbly. Things are jittery. Oh dear...what to do?

It's time to stop jittering with the world. It's time to find your own personal jitter and jitter in your own unique little way.

As the world jitters to its beat, you can jitter to the off-beat...jitter and counter-jitter.

These two opposing jitters offset each other's energy and momentum, and the shake it neutralised. THUS YOU ACHIEVE CALM.

ANGER.

YOUR ANGER.
(on a good day)

TAKING ANGER FOR A WALK WITH THE DOG.

LIVING IN AN ANGRY WORLD.

USING A BIG ANGER TO CLIMB OVER A HIGH WALL.

ANGER WITH MOON AND FLOWERS.

There they were in the doctor's waiting room; each with their own sickness.

Bob with his bobolosis.
Emma with emmaditis.
Peter with peterenteritis.

Freda with fredamania.
Mavis with mavis fever.
Harry with harry's syndrome.

Each of them suffering from being who they are: each seeking a cure for the ordinary oddness of existence.

But alas, the doctor can't see anyone today. He's slumped in his chair suffering from actue doctorphobia.

There is no cure for anyone. Eventually everyone becomes FULL BLOWN.

STOP DESEXUALIZING OLD HORNBAGS

NEGLECTED PORNSTAR WIZENED BUT WICKED

S S S S SOFT SAGGY SIZZLING SEX

SOCIETY FOR THE SEXUALIZATION OF SENIORS

I really can't see the point of life...

It's not pointy. It's round and soft...

Mister Swan met Mister Drake
In the moonlight, on the lake.
Said Mister Drake "I'd like to peck
A little love bit on your neck"
Said Mister Swan "With a neck like mine,
You could give me twenty-nine,
Or thirty-five or sixty-four
And then perhaps a little more."
"Sounds good to me" said Mister Drake
In the moonlight, on the lake.

Family Drinking Patterns

Daughter Emily is a BINGE drinker: she drinks alcohol at parties.

Mother is a CRINGE driinker: she pretends she doesn't like alcohol, but she really likes it a lot.

Father is a WHINGE drinker: He drinks alcohol and starts grizzling and being grouchy.

Son Jack is a SPONGE drinker: he soaks it up effortlessly in vast, amazing quantities.

Daughter Melissa is a LUNGE drinker: she grabs it desperately whenever she can.

Son James is a GRUNGE drinker: he drinks cheap wine at band practice or in the park.

We're not here to produce motherhood statements...

What a pity, because there's a lot of confusion recently about what motherhood actually is.

LOST

OUR COCKATIEL, "ALAN"

Alan is a divine little man. He flew out the window on Friday, April 11. He will sit on your finger, but gets excited and will bite; but only very softly.

REWARD "We miss you Alan Please come home"

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR BELOVED "KEVIN"?

Kevin is our 3 Y.O. Cockatiel. He loves to sit on your head. He flew out the door last Saturday (April 12th). If you whistle and nod your head he will say "DIRTY BUGGER, DIRTY BUGGER"

BIG REWARD OFFERED

MISSING

"JULIA" COCKATIEL

Julia is our beautiful bird and she flew out the car and went towards the park on Sunday 13th APRIL. Julia can be approached and loves to talk and will dance on your finger.

BIG REWARD

FAMILY MEMBER LOST

"KYLIE"

Our darling cockatiel flew up the chimney last Monday (14-4-08) leaving us devastated with worry and grief. CHILD'S PET.

IF YOU SEE KYLIE, STAND STILL AND SHE WILL CLAMBER UP YOUR TROUSERS.

SUBSTANTIAL REWARD OFFERED

If I could change Australian rules, if I could make a plan,
I'd take three dozen footballs and give one to each man;
I'd place three dozen sets of posts with a maximum of clearance,
So each man kicks a feast of goals without interference.

And I'd make each game ten hours long with a minimum of rest
And let them score until they're sore
And let the crowd all yell and roar
Until the whole thing seems a bore
And furthermore, until they've got the whole thing off their chest.

What is this life?

Life is a holiday on earth.

You arrive at your holiday destination and there to meet you, wearing a big smile, is your host and guide.

"Hello, I'm your mum; I'll get you started and show you around. Would you like some milk?"

The accommodation is a bit unusual but it's clean and comfortable - it's your body; quite a good base for existence.

"I'll just personalise it and it will feel like home"

You study some maps, go for a bit of an explore and soon you're getting the hang of it. The place is full of holiday makers and before too long you're having a holiday romance! And why not?!

Life is an interesting place to visit; quite enjoyable and well worth the experience but you wouldn't want to be there too long. You would always feel like a bit of an outsider.

Holidays on earth can be wonderful and horrible, but regardless, it's always a bit sad when they come to an end. And always a good feeling to know that you're returning home to where you really belong; all refreshed and with some lovely holiday memories.

BRAINSTORM '08 CANBERRA

We thank you for your presentation Professor McLintock, but you haven't explained how the nation is going to benefit from these solar powered bagpipes...

OH I'M SORRY. I STOOD ON YOUR TOE...

I'M SO SORRY. I SHOULD WATCH WHERE I'M GOING. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A VICTIM.

OH NO. OH DEAR. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE FORCING ME INTO VICTIMHOOD. OH DEAR. I'M SO, SO SORRY...

YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE. YOU'RE VIOLATING MY IDENTITY. I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS A VICTIM...UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG...

I'M SO STUPID. KICK ME IN THE HEAD. PLEASE KICK ME.

KICK ME HARD. OH PLEASE, PLEASE DO IT...BUT DON'T HURT YOUR TOE...I'VE ALREADY HURT IT ENOUGH.

THIRD YEAR NATIONAL ANTHEM STUDIES. Assignment 1. Write the first verse of a national anthem for Australia using a red typeface and employing exactly fifty-four words.

4.5/10 POOR EFFORT

An unreported event.

DON'T GET SO UPSET.
IT'S ONLY A GAME.
IT'S THE GOOD GUYS VERSUS THE BAD GUYS.

Magnificent fireworks display on the bridge the other night Bob...